Week 2-Why Are Tortured Heroes Always Named Edward?

So New Moon just came out in Australia a couple of weeks ago,and I appear to be the only teenage girl in the world not dying to see it. I read Twilight years ago when it first came out, and honestly? It's got nothing on Harry Potter.  Personally, I thought Bella was an annoying, pathetic little whinger who needed a good slap or two, and Edward was a brooding, Byronic cliche with all the personality and character depth of a ham sandwich (Seriously, what is it with tortured anti-heroes being named Edward? Cullen,Rochester,Scissorhands…strange, because it apparently has roots in an Old English word that means ‘happy’).

I've got to admit,though, Robert Pattinson is ridiculously good-looking and I can kind of see why everyone's in love with him. But really, what is it with vampire movies?  I get that they're hot and all, but what makes girls look at Edward and Bella's relationship and wish they were Bella?

I clearly seem to be missing something here. If I remember correctly, Edward STALKS Bella in the first movie. He stands outside her window and watches her sleep.  I think he also refers to her as his ‘heroin’ at some point (As in the drug, not a misspelling of ‘heroine’). He’s also controlling, possessive and tries to control who she sees and what she does. I don’t know about you, but when I think about what I want in a guy, ‘obsessive stalker’, ‘ uses cliched love-is-a-drug metaphors’  and ‘treats me like a child’ are not the first qualities that come to mind.

And don’t even get me started on Bella. She’s whiny, incapable of doing anything  herself and she completely loses it when Edward leaves her. I haven’t read/seen New Moon, but apparently she actually contemplates suicide at one point. And when Edward thinks she’s dead, so does he. Romeo and Juliet rip-off much? At least Juliet was kind of sensible and had something that resembled a backbone. Bella’s just a wimp. She doesn’t seem to be capable of having a life without Edward.

I just don’t get how girls could watch these movies and not realise how messed up Edward and Bella’s relationship is. Why would you want someone who doesn’t have a life outside of your relationship, who goes all depressed and suicidal when you’re not there, who gives up their ambitions to marry you and have a potentially deadly monster-child?

Vampire movies aren't all this lame, though. I know it's not a movie exactly, but True Blood is completely awesome. Apparently Interview with the Vampire was good- never actually seen it, but I have a friend who's obsessed with it. I liked Van Helsing, though. This site has a list of vampire movies that I actually really want to watch- at the moment my knowledge of vampires comes from Twilight, True Blood, Dracula ( the book- you know, those old-school things that came before movies?) and the Mel Brooks movie Dracula:Dead and Loving It, which, by the way, is hilarious.As is this movie: 

 

I don't think the whole vampire thing's bad, it's just girls seem to be getting a bit confused and actually wishing they had these bloodsucking, pigment-challenged demons as boyfriends.

 

Of course having said all this, I'd still go see New Moon with my Twi-hard friends purely to laugh at it and watch Taylor Lautner disrobe gratuitously at any given opportunity.